September 24th, 2008

August 15th, 2008
Fat Guy Stuck in the Internet
I was lucky enough to play the villain in the latest Fat Guy on Adult Swim. It’s a parody of that David Bowie movie “Labyrinth”.

Fat Guy Stuck in the Internet

MATT BESSER TO PERFORM TEN-WEEK RESIDENCY AT COMEDY DEATH-RAY

Comedy Death-Ray, Los Angeles’s premier comedy show, is proud to announce that Upright Citizens Brigade founding member and the pride of Arkansas Matt Besser will be recording sets over the next few months, exclusively at CDR’s Tuesday night program, and will be releasing them the very same week on UCBcomedy.com.

Fans have delighted to Mr. Besser’s antics over the six-year history of CDR, with recent exploits including “Skittles 4 Wittels,” “The Upstager,” and “The Guy Fixing The Air-Conditioner.” Audiences have oft wondered what a concentrated dose of Mr. Besser would offer. At last the wondering must cease.

"Comedy Death-Ray is the Olympics of the alternative comedy world,” Mr. Besser replied when asked for comment. “It was a dream come true when my residency was accepted. For the last three years I have trained at CDR to be able to meet the challenge of the comedic decathalon I will perform these bits with all my heart, not just for the comedy nerds in the CDR audience, but also for the comedy nerds in the middle of America. I do these ten sets for you.”

Mr. Besser will appear at the popular comedy spot ten separate Tuesdays through October. In these ten weeks, Mr. Besser will attempt all ten disciplines of comedy in an effort to reach “the perfect ten:”

1. Topical
2. Blue
3. Satire
4. Parody
5. Multiple characters – no costumes, no props; voice only
6. Musical
7. Impression
8. Physical
9. Stand-up – one word suggestions given the week before over internet and stage
10. Improvised – crowd work, taking suggestions

"I’m neither deluded nor vain enough to consider myself the Michael Phelps of comedy,” Mr. Besser continued. “I am more like the Kerri Strug. I just want one gold night and I will give everything to get it. Even if I bomb the first nine Tuesdays, I will limp to the stage, maybe only standing on one tired old bit, but I will perform that bit with all my heart.”

The excitement starts this Tuesday, 19 August 2008, as Mr. Besser shares the bill with fan-favorite Todd Glass and Saturday Night Live’s Casey Wilson, launching his ten-night-stand with a surprise bit guaranteed to both amuse and shock the audience into convulsions of laughter.

"This is for all the comedy nerds in all the towns across this great land of ours – like Topeka, Harrisburg, Dover, Little Rock, and a few more that I can’t remember now,” Mr. Besser beamed. “God bless the Comedy Death-Ray for giving me the opportunity to achieve my dream.”

THE BACK ROOM – Three Way!
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June 25th, 2008
BEST SONGS FOR WEDDING

PRE-CEREMONY music
Belle & Sebastion
Yo La Tengo
Phish
REM
Ben Lee

COCKTAIL HOUR
Metallica - “Enter Sandman”
BOC - “Don’t Fear the Reaper”
The Kinks - “Destroyer”
Joan Jett - “Dime in the Juke Box”
Led Zeppelin - “Rock and Roll”
The Gossip - “Arkansas Heat”
The Darkness - “Thing Called Love”
Frank Black “Calistan”
Neutral Milk Hotel “Holland 1945”
Elvis Costello “Veronica”
Trusty “Mad Religion”
Jerry Jeff Walker – “LA Freeway”
Replacements – “Unsatisfied”
The Damned “Love Song”
The Stranglers “Peaches”
Rolling Stones “Street Fighting Man”
AC/DC “Dirty Deeds”
Social Distortion “Story of My Life”

Invitation to dinner
REO Speedwagon “Ridin the Storm Out”

Grand Entrance song
Les Miserables “Can You Hear The People Sing?”
- start it at :46 seconds

DINNER music
Neil Young “One of These Days”
Beatles - “If I Fell”
The Weakerthans “Left & Leaving”
The Clash “Train in Vain”
Arcade Fire “Rebellion”
Modest Mouse “Florida”
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah “Heavy Metal”
The Mountain Goats - “This Year”
The Weakerthans – “Watermark”
Ani DiFranco – “Buildings & Bridges”
Steve Earle – “Someday”
Phish – “Bouncing Around the Room”
Amy Miles – “Kill to Know”
Ben Lee “Cigarettes Will Kill You”
Built to Spill “Fly Around My Pretty Little Miss”
Pavement – “Shoot the Singer”
Yo La Tengo – “Our Way to Fall”
The Hold Steady – “Chip Ahoy!”
David Bowie – “Suffragette City”
Blues Traveler “Run Around”
Europe - “The Final Countdown”
Laura Pausini- “Due”

DANCE SONGS
Missy Elliot – “Lose Control”
The Go Team! - “Huddle Formation”
“Hips Don't Lie” (Wylcef) - Shakira
“Crazy Thing Called Love” – Queen
Joe Budden “Pump It Up”
Pete Rock and CL Smooth "The Creator"
"Ooh Wee" Mark Ronson and Ghostface
Rihanna - Don't Stop The Music
Kanye West – “Gold Digger”
Flo Rida – “Low”
“Body Movin' (Fatboy Slim Remix)” - Beastie Boys
Lil Mama - “Lip Gloss”
“Keep It Real” – Faith Evans & the Lost Boyz
DMX - “Party Up”
Lil Flip, DMX, Young Buck - “Tear It Up”
Madonna- “Crazy For you”
Lady Sovereign - “Random”
N.E.R.D. - “Lapdance”
Outkast - “Bombs Over Bagdad”
Le Tigre - “Deceptacon”
Avril Lavigne & Lil Mama “Girlfriend”
Mystikal - “Shake Ya Ass”
Public Enemy - “Lost At Birth”
Ludicris - “Stand Up”
Beastie Boys - “Shake Your Rump”
“Jump Around” - House of Pain
Dee-lite “Groove is in the heart”
Pitbull “The Anthem”
Rhianna (Jay Z) - “Umbrella”
Bobby Farrell from Boney M – “Ma Baker”
Ying Yang Twins “Salt Shaker”
Daddy Yankee - “Impacto”
Dan Balan “Ma Ya Hi”
Pat Benatar-“Hit me with you best shot”
Janet Jackson “All For You”
Wu Tang Clan – “Wu Tang Aint Nuthin To Fuck With”
Public Enemy – “Burn Hollywood Burn”
The Go Go’s – “We Got the Beat”
CSS “Alala”
Peaches - “Boys Want to Be Her”
Midnight Star - “No Parking On the Dance Floor”
Justice “B.E.A.T.”
MIA - “URAQT”
Queen – “Keep Yourself Alive”
Lil John “Stick That Thing Out”
Outkast “Hey Ya!”
Kanye West – “Stronger”
Petey Pablo – “Show me the money”
Sean Paul “We Be Burnin”
”Sweet Child of Mine” - GnR
The Chemical Brothers - “Block Rockin Beats”
The Police “Everything She Does Is Magic”
Abba - “Dancing Queen”
Dancing with Myself - Billy Idol
Men without Hats - “Safety Dance”
Missy Elliot “Can’t Stop”
B52s - “Planet Claire”
Kelis - “Milkshake”
The Cure - “Boys Don’t Cry”
“Venus” – Bananarama
Beatles - “Help”
“I Wish” - Stevie Wonder
Nirvana- Smells like teen spirit
Dead or Alive “You Spin Me Around”
Anita Ward “Ring My Bell”
Ozzy Osbourne “Crazy Train”
Beyonce & Jay Z - “Crazy In Love”
Gap Band - “You Drop the Bomb On Me”
RUN DMC - “It’s Like That”
Run DMC - “Tricky”
Tom Tom Club - “Genius of Love”
Michael Jackson - “Billie Jean”
“It's Raining Men” - The Weather Girls
“C'mon Everybody” - Elvis Presley
Yaz “Don’t Go”
Van Halen “Panama”
Aha “Take On Me”
Bruce Springsteen “Hungry Heart”
Grease - “You’re The One That I Want
KISS - “Detroit Rock City”
Kenny Loggins “Footloose”
Duran Duran "Her Name is Rio"
The Cure - “Just Like Heaven”
Blondie - “Heart of Glass”
Sex Pistols - “Anarchy in the UK”
Ramones - “I want to be sedated”
Beatles - “All My Loving”
Motorhead “Ace of Spades”
DMX - “We Bout to Blow”
Adam & the Ants “Stand & Deliver”
Christina Aguilera (Redman) – “Dirrty”
Soulja Boy Tell`em – “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”
“Everytime We Touch” - Cascada
Clipse “Grindin’”
Kottonmouth Kings “Everybody Move”
Dan Hartman “Instant Replay”
Bonde Do Role “Solta o Frango”
Donna Summer “Last Dance”
Boston “More Than A Feeling”
Oingo Boingo - “Dean Man’s Party”
Usher – “Yeah!”
Gwen Stefani – “Just a Girl”
Talking Heads – “Burning Down the House”
Sir Mix A Lot – “Baby Got Back”
Chic - “Good Times”
“Double Dutch Bus” - Frankie Smith
Vamos Muchachos - Pepe Deluxe Beatitude Freestyle
Kinks “Picture Book”
Epik High “Paris”

SLOW DANCE
Ben Folds – “The Luckiest”
Bright Eyes “First Day of My Life”
Aerosmith “Dream On”
“Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” The Platters
Chris Isaak “Wicked Game”
REM “ Fall On Me”
The Killers “Mr Brightside”
Gary Wright “Dream Weaver”
“More Than Words” - Extreme
“If You Don’t Know Me” – Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes
“At Last” - Etta James
“Wonderful Tonight” Eric Clapton
Erasure “Oh l’Amour”
“True” - Spandau Ballet
Alphaville “Forever Young”
“You’ll Never Find” “Lou Rawls
“Crazy” - Willie Nelson
“Colour My World” Chicago
“Best of My Love” – Eagles
“I Will Always Love You” - Whitney Houston
Journey “Open Arms”
Journey- “Small Town Girl”
Johnny Rivers “Swayin to the Music”
John Lennon “Stand By Me”
Procol Harum - “Whiter Shade of Pale”
Percy Sledge - “When a Man Loves a Woman”
Bob Marley “Is This Love”
Portis Head - “Sour Times”
KISS - “Beth”
Bronski Beat (duet with Marc Almond) "I Feel Love"

First Dance
Frank Sinatra “Moon River”

Father/Daughter Dance
“What Will I Do” Irving Berlin

Cake Cut
Fat Boys “All You Can Eat”

Everybody Leave Song
Bad Brains “Pay to Cum”

December 21st, 2007
Besser's Best Music of 2007

*no particular order

Best Albums
1. Shellac - Excellent Italian Greyhound
2. Weakerthans - Reunion Tour
3. J church - The Horror of Life (remember Lance)
4. Ben Lee - Ripe
5. Great Nothern - Trading Twilight for Daylight
6. Pinback - Autumn of Seraphs
7. Sea Wolf - Leaves in the River
8. Lavendar Diamond
9. Hallelujah the Hills - Collective Psychosis Begone

Best Singles Off Internet
1. E from L.O.S.T. "Honestly" www.myspace.com/efromlost
2. One Trick Pony "Box Song"
3. Lincoln Bedroom "I Just Want to See Her Face Again"
4. Ninja Academy - www.myspace.com/ninjaacademy
5. Whole Wheat Bread "Old Man Samson"
6. Dragoon www.myspace.com/dragoonmemphis
7. The Whips www.myspace.com/thewhips
8. Ben Swift www.benswift.net
9. Bonde do Role - Salto o Frango
10. CSS - Alala

Best Non-comedy TV Shows
1. Battlestar Galactica
2. Eureka
3. Prison Break
4. Smallville
5. Dead Zone - RIP
6. Journeyman - RIP
7. 4400 - RIP
8. Life on Mars
9. Torchwood
10. Lost

Best Ways to See Besser in Next Six Months
1. Walk Hard
2. UCBcomedy.com - launches in Jan.
3. The Very Funny Show www.tbs.com/shows/veryfunnyshow/
4. Drillbit Taylor
5. Asssscat on DVD & Comedy Central
6. Wild Girls Gone - maybe a little longer than 6 months
7. Wanted: Undead or Alive - zombedy avail on DVD
8. The Mighty B - Cartoon on Nichelodean in Spring
9. www.myspace.com/mattbesser for new MySpace Toms
10. www.myspace.com/crossballsdebateshow for Crossballs
11. at UCB Theater in LA in Asssscat & America's Best Comic

October 23rd, 2007
Lance Hahn the lead singer/song writer of the pop/proto emo punk band J Church died on Oct. 21.
This was one of my favorite guys in one of my favorite bands. I never met him. We exchanged a few emails and he was really nice. But most importantly I loved his music. He has a great voice. Lyrics you can understand and always interesting. He'll be missed. All I can say now is if you never gave J Church a try then let me recommend the songs...
1. My Favorite Place
2. At the Cannery
3. She's So Mean
4. Jane, Vanessa, and I
5. Reaching for Thoreau
6. Fascist Radio
7. Stupid Lesson - ( my favorite live recording ever on my favorite album with best title "The Procession of Simulcrum/ Map Precedes Territory")
8. Alone When She Dies
9. Crop Circles
10. You're On Your Own
11. Dramatic History of a Boring Town ( hilarious)
12. Rich Young and Dumb
13. Closing Time in an Early Town


Stupid Lesson
Another stupid lesson I didn’t want to learn,
Standing in the rain waiting for my turn,
It's my human condition that makes my world complete,
But tonight I just want to go home,
And a chance to dry my feet

No-one gets a second chance,
No-one knows the reason to the rhyme,
It might not make a difference,
No-one knows or has that kind of time

Your condescending tone has kept me up at night,
I didn't say a word and I'm left with hindsight,
Your eyes look right through me,
While mine look through the rag,
I don't want your cause and I won't wave your flag

No-one gets a second chance,
No-one knows the reason to the rhyme,
It might not make a difference,
No-one knows or has that kind of time

I didn't want to say this but now I know it's true,
Inspiration turns to dogma and I wipe it off my shoe,
It's my human condition that makes my world complete,
But tonight I just want to go home,
And a chance to dry my feet

No-one gets a second chance,
No-one knows the reason to the rhyme,
It might not make a difference,
No-one knows or has that kind of time

October 11th, 2007
UCB Season 2 dvd released.
order at
UCBtheater store
UCB Store
because we're giving away a "super cool" t-shirt with every season 2 DVD.

October, 20 - 10PM
"God Sux"
UCB Theater LA
LA’s most faithful atheists congregate together to question the almighty. Watch these comics share their experiences with religion and how some were transformed from altar boys to skeptics. Don’t miss this chance to laugh so hard that you will challenge your beliefs. Matt Besser Marc Maron Jim "UBoat" Underdown

October 20 - midnight
"Best of F'd Up & Illegal Videos"
Part of Offensive Fest Dr. Aggro Cocky and Mr Aidnotfunny will present the most offensive videos of the year with special guest Paul F Tompkins.

Oct. 29 - "The Very Funny Show" on TBS.com
I made ten comedy videos for TBS.com with a bunch of funny people from UCB theater.Check it out in October 29.
First three episodes: Oct. 29
Fourth and fifth episodes: TBD
Sixth and seventh episodes: TBD
Eighth, ninth, and tenth episodes: TBD


Nov. 3 - "America's Best Comic" - 10pm
UCB Theater LA
A parody of Last Comic Standing where Andy Daly and I do all of our stand-up characters. This episode is the audition round so we'll be joined by TBD


November 8 - 6pm
Museum of Television and Radio
NYC
The Paley Center (formerly the Museum of Television and Radio) is putting together a panel discussion with us: Upright Citizens Brigade with Matt Besser, Amy Poehler, Ian Roberts, and Matt Walsh.
Paley Center info


November 11 - 8pm
Irving Plaza Asssscat - NY Comedy Festival
Asssscat with Besser, Roberts, Poehler and Walsh.
plus Horatio and surprise guests! When: November 11th : 8 p.m. Price: $20 Event Phone Number: 212-777-6800 Fillmore New York at Irving Plaza Neighborhood: Gramercy 17 Irving Place New York, NY 10003 212-307-7171
Asssscat at Irving Plaza tix



Nov. 17 - 10pm
"420 Show"
If u no, u no.
UCB Theater LA


Crossballs: the Debate Show
Crossballs
Crossballs myspace page has been set up where I will post new eps from on a regular basis. Friend & subscribe.

August 7th, 2007
Letter to the Editor
New City
Chicago
@ 1995

When UCB orginally did our Thunderball show in Chicago we wrote letters to protest baseball's boringness.

Could Bonds outrun the Thunderball dogs? I doubt it.

July 11th, 2007
More Letters to the Editor @ "punk" and "alternative"

Bill Wyman is a music critic (The Reader) in Chicago who in the 90's put out an annual bar graph which rated (and berated) some of the local "alternative" bands. I wrote him a pretentious letter pretending to be the lead singer of one of the bands which he gave a bad review to.

Then the real guy from the band responded and then I wrote the most circuitous apologies ever.

I'll be performing in Chicago August 28th at the Lakeshore Theater.

July 5th, 2007
"Punk" & "Alternative" and other important issues in the letters to the editor.

In the 90's when I lived in Chicago there were always letters in the papers where music nerds debated what was punk and what was alternative and who sold out. I would write letters with the goal of making my opinion as circuitous as possible.

WHAT'S IN MY CD PLAYER?
1. Shellac - "Excellent Italian Greyhound" - Even though it takes a long time for Shellac to release a record it is always worth the wait. When I hear the word aggro, I think of Shellac. It's in the instruments, the lyrics, Albini's voice. I'm a type of guy who likes to listen to certain music to meet certain moods. (check out Jerry Jeff Walker's "I Feel Like Hank Williams Tonight"). I listen to Shellac when I'm feeling anger and sometimes the blues. I don't like the Blues. It bores me. Sorry. I like it live. But listening to it on a CD always bores me. So that's why I listen to bands like Fugazi and Shellac when most people would be tossing in their Fat Possum Willie or whoever. Back to this record. My favorite track is the first one, "The End of Radio", because I've always been a fan of post-apocalyptic tales. I also love the second track, Steady As She Goes. Oh and the third track too -Be Prepared. Oh and...buy it already.

2. Dwight Yoakam - "If There Was A Way" - This came out in '89 I think. I don't think it's regarded as one of his best efforts but it's the only one of his records that I like from top to bottom. My favorite tracks are "It Only Hurts When I Cry" and "Since I Started Drinkin Again".

3. 3 Inches of Blood - "Fire Up the Blades" - Fast and loud. I'm always a sucker for two vocalists.

SINGLES

1. CSS - Alala
2. The Highwaymen - Highwayman
3. Justice - B.E.A.T.
4. The Mountain Goats - This Year
5. Renegade Master - Renegade Master
6. Jackson United - Here Comes Hollow
7. Stars - Your Ex Lover Is Dead
8. Yo La Tengo - Our Way to Fall
9. Lyle Lovett - If I Had A Boat
10. Tom T Hall - Who's Gonna Feed Dem Hogs?

June 27th, 2007

June 27th, 2007

May 22nd, 2007
TIP FROM A "FAN"
-----------------
Matt,
Click this link and wait for the 3rd person's head to flash on the screen. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me...and the people who love PB Loco peanut butter enough to visit their website.
Besser Clone Shucking for Peanut Butter

May 15th, 2007
Matt Besser’s Truthful Horoscope

Aries
Communicate with friends and you will discover that you don’t have many. You will make some new acquaintances if you travel. They will not like you.

Taurus
Money matters should be settled. Money is very important to you, so do whatever you can to enhance your cash flow, even if it means screwing over friends and family.

Gemini
If someone questions your loyalty, you should probably skirt the issues. Your lying abilities will help you once again.

Cancer
You can make the little changes to your home that you've been thinking about. Start by getting rid of the smell of cat piss and stale beer. Next take down those posters that you’ve had since college. Finally, move to a new place.

Leo
Be the leader. Most people are so dimwitted that they will believe anything that you tell them. Use these people to satiate your infantile whims.

Virgo
You smell worse than usual this month. Try not to smell so much, or at least stay away from others so they don’t have to suffer.

Libra
Your ability to put two and two together will lead to good results. Too bad basic addition is all you can handle. Don’t quit your job bagging groceries.

Scorpio
Do something that will make you feel good that doesn’t involve alcohol or drugs. Love and romance are evident, but remember that you can’t marry an avatar.

Sagittarius
You can't waste time. Since you are lacking in the looks and brains department, time is all you really have, so use it wisely.

Capricorn
You can be extremely convincing when you get drunk and flirt. Try to make a deal without offering sex in return.

Aquarius
Sometimes you should just stick to doing what you do best. Spend more time watching television.

Pisces
Everyone thinks that you are a bad tipper and buy cheap gifts. Buy them something off of mattbesser.com

March 23rd, 2007

UCB SEASON 2 DVD Commentary Track Recorded Live...
On Stage at UCB Theater in LA
The UCB4 will comment on two episodes - "Spaghetti Jesus" and "Supercool".
Please bring as much Supercool as you want.
We'll have a Q&A and share Supercool stories.
March 31
8pm
tickets will be sold on ucbtheater.com


AMERICA'S BEST COMIC FINALS
It all comes down to this...
America's most courageous comic JASON YELLOW (Matt Besser) will square off against tell-it-like-it-is road comic JERRY O'HEARN (Andy Daly) in a stand-up comedy battle royale to determine which one of them is...
”AMERICA'S BEST COMIC”
It's the final episode of a stand-up competition reality show hosted by blue collar comedy God, POSSUM! (Tom Sharpe)
Check out this special performance of America's Best Comic, which features appearances by...
Beloved head trauma victim Chocolate Pudding
His Eminence Pope Benedict XVI
86 year old comic wunderkind Ben Alterman
Edgeless comic Mr. Polite
Invisible comedian Sal Montero
Korean comedy import Dant Phant

America's Best Comic
Saturday
March 31
10PM
UCB Theater LA
$8
Reservations: (323) 908-8702

"F'd Up & Illegal Videos"
April 7
midnight


Matt Besser MySpace now open for friendship! http://www.myspace.com/mattbesser

This site (mattbesser.com) has also been revamped with new videos (Including “King of the Three Way”).

March 5th, 2007
Best of 2006
Best Comedy Movie: Idiocracy
Best Drama Movie: Children of Men
Best Comedy TV Show: Metalocalypse / Moral Orel
Best Drama TV Show: Battlestar
Best Music: Ben Swift “Pull”
Best Song: High School the Musical “Break Free”
That’s right. I said it. “Break Free” from High School the Musical. It’s been a weak year for the type of music that I like. For the most part punk and hip hop hasn’t really done shit in a while. When are the Weakerthans going to put out something new, or Shellac, or Wu Tang, or Go Team? I’m growing impatient.

American Idol:
All the black women are better than all of the other contestants by a mile. There, somebody had to say it. I can’t wait till Sanji wins his Oscar.

Survivor lesson #237: Don’t give back massages too early in your initial days of survival.

Nets:
Jason Collins and Uncle Spliff got to start finishing or they should be finished.

February 16th, 2007
IN MY CD PLAYER RIGHT NOW:
1. Damned “Phantasmagoria” – many fans are ashamed of the Damded's most gothic release. Not me. I gobbed in Vanium’s face at a show on this tour. Out of love of course.
2. The Mountain Goats “Bitter Melon Farm”
3. Legendary Hank Snow
4. Ben Swift “Pull”
5. NOFX “So Long and Thanks for All the Shoes”


Favorite Song of the Moment
Suzanne Vega “The Soldier and the Queen”


BANDS I NEVER GOT
1. Wire
2. Crass
3. Television
4. Gang of Four
5. Skinny Puppy
I know that this means that I don’t know anything about music but I tried and I just don’t get it. I’m sorry.


FAQ
Is it possible to remember (or find out?) who the "Japanoise" band featured on the episode "Anger Management (Eli's Face Therapy)" is?
Peelander Z – They are touring and stronger than ever. Don’t miss this band live.

When is UCB season two coming out?
Fall 2007

Will Crossballs be released on DVD or rerun?
Never. See Crossballs page on this site for more info.


Matt Besser MySpace now open for friendship! http://www.myspace.com/mattbesser
Check newest video - "MySpace Tom"

This site (mattbesser.com) has also been revamped with new videos (Including “King of the Three Way”).

January 17th, 2007

Chocolate Pudding and Al Franken are part of
America's Best Comic
Feb 5 at 8pm
$5
*the Jan. 24 show has been cancelled

January 11th, 2007

Jason Yellow is one of the stars of "America's Best Comic"
You can see him and many more characters in the next show...
Jan. 24 at 8pm
$5
UCB Theater in LA

January 9th, 2007

December 18th, 2006
BEST COMEDY CURRENTLY ON TV
1. Metalocalypse – funniest show on tv.
2. Moral Orel – most satirical show on tv by far
3. Help Me Help You – I was in two episodes of this show but they just yanked it before my shows got on air. Hopefully it’s coming back. Not just for my sake but because it’s actually a really funny show. The cast is great and so is the writing.
4. Curb Your Enthusiasm – I’m supposed to be in an episode of this so fingers are crossed.
5. The Office – I’m not really opening any eyes here but how could I not put it on the list.

RECOMMENDED I-TUNES:
1. Trusty – Mad Religion
2. Ben Swift – Happy Song
3. Kajagoogoo – Never Ending Story
4. Steve Earle – I Aint Never Satisfied
5. Black Oak Arkansas – Uncle Elijah


FUCK OFF LIST:
This is a list of people who I’d like to tell them to “fuck off” for being such dick heads.
1. Candace, Paverty, and Adam from Survivor who were mean to Jonathan for no reason. He was just playing the game.
2. Jamie Masada – disingenuous owner of the Laugh Factory Jamie Masada banned the word “nigger” at the Laugh Factory. What a self-important asshole. Why just one word. What about faggot which said on a much regular basis at his club and with real hate. This is the same guy who has theme nights at his club like Asian night, or worse Chocolate Sundae. Would Jamie rather we call them the Chocolates. “There’s a chocolate! There’s a chocolate!” They don’t have a Mayonnaise Monday or White Bread Wednesday.
3. Monica Lewinsky, Ken Starr, and everyone involved in trying to impeach President Clinton.
4. Jeff McInnis – for now bowing out of his contract with the Nets.
5. Bush – too many reasons – my site won’t handle the bandwidth.


Please write me with any additions to these lists…

September 27th, 2006
If you send me an email I will usually answer your questions in this blog.

MORE QUESTIONS ANSWERED

1) Where'd you get those skulls that you collected (that is if you actually have em)?
- One of the toughest things about being an artistic director is cutting people from their Harold Teams.

2) What was it like going to the Warped tour to see NoFX and being surrounded by pop punk and emo kids?
- It’s great because I’m about a foot taller than everyone there so it’s easy to see in the back. My favorite part of the show was when Fat Mike made fun of Under Oath. Outside of NOFX it seemed like lead singers all now talk like hippies instead of punks.

3) Are you a fan of Mindless Self Indulgence at all?
-Yes I am. I can’t wait for you to shut me up. Kind of sounds like the lead singer Shudder To Think meets Darkness. I likey.

…IN MY CD PLAYER RIGHT NOW:
a) Yo La Tengo – I am not afraid of you and will beat your ass – This may be my favorite YLT album ever. Can’t stop listening to “Black Flowers”.
b) Angelic Upstarts “Angel Dust” – if you like English punk grab this greatest hits collection of one of the best bands.
c) Magazine – Magic, Murder, and the Weather – another English punk band that not many people know about
d) Anything by Pinback. I guess I caught onto these guys late. I saw them at the Touch and GO festival and I’m totally into their melodic rock.
e) Calexico – Garden Ruin
f) Metric – Live It Up - I saw these guys at Bumbershoot. Music is all over the place in a good way. Inventive use of keyboards.
g) Enon – High Society – too hard to describe and that’s what makes them so good.
h) NOFX – The Decline – epic song
i) T.I. – The King – He might be.
j) Method Man’s latest –something about 420 – It’s not his best but it’s good.

4)Your “May I Help You Dumbass” CD was just so funny and inventive. Some of the tracks are stopped before a hang-up, so I was wondering if you ever let anyone in on the gag (like the callers who were kind of sweet or good sports).
- We’re all best friends now. We get together every thanksgiving to celebrate the 1 before the area code.

5)I'm a year from finishing up college- and I want to do they type of things that you've been able to do. I'm not saying draw a map, but are there any first steps you would
recommend.
- Get up on stage as much as possible. Don’t get meta and post-modern too soon. Read. Experience life outside of comedy so that you have something to write about.

6)What are you up to these days?
- I’m currently writing a sketch pilot for TBS.
- UCB is negotiating a deal to release new Asssscats on DVD.
- …and other projects too sensitive to discuss in the light of day.

August 22nd, 2006
Q & A

The dog that is located in the background of your bio, I don't know if it is yours or not - do you know what kind of dog that is?
Cavalier King Charles Spaniel mixed with Pekinese is our best guess. She looks like the giant dog in The Never Ending Story. That dog owns me.

My sister and I cannot figure out which season a specific sketch is on. It's the one where the man is so angry and he picks the laplanders to project his anger on to.
The name of the sketch is “I’m Gonna Kill You”. Episode 205. Second season. You can see it on Youtube and hopefully in a season 2 DVD coming soon.


I have a question about getting something started. how can you get any project started with a group of people, ie filming something or compiling sketches. it seems so impossible, is it just one person that runs it all?
Like a basketball team every group has its own unique dynamic. People compliment each other with their skills and personality. You just need to hang out at places where comedy is put up and groups tend to form organically. People who think you are funny will want to work with you.


BESSER’S BEST MUSIC EVER
I was very fortunate to be born with an uncanny sense of perfect musical taste. I have crunched the numbers and done the research and it so happens that I have the best music collection ever assembled in the history of the world.
These are the CDs that are currently on rotation in my CD player. They are not all recent releases but they are all worth having in your collection.

1. NOFX – “Wolves In Wolves Clothing” / “Never Trust A Hippy” – Best song is “Leaving Jesusland”. I love Fat Mike’s anti-religious bent. When I saw Warped Tour he was ragging on the Christian punk band Under Oath. Hilarious. At the warped tour I was overwhelmed by the amount of hippy dippy pre-song banter coming from the mouths of so-called punks.
2. Giant Drag – “Hearts and Unicorns” – These two rock. Worthy of comparison to My Bloody Valentine. Unique personalities to be sure.
3. Coco Rosie – “Noah’s Ark” – Portishead meets Bjork meets Frankenstein
4. Latterman – “No Matter Where We Go” – after the Weakerthans and Toys That Kill this is probably my favorite new punk band
5. 5 Days Dirty – I also like this band but I don’t think they have a CD yet. Check out their Myspace page.
6. Greg Gaffin – “Cold As the Clay” – I love it when my punk rock heroes do these solo projects.
7. Dixie Chicks – “Taking the Long Way” – Yeah I said it. “The Long Way Round” is the best song of the year. Let’s get behind these ladies and go to the concerts.
8. Black Heart Procession – “Amore Del Tropico”
9. Deviates – “Time Is The Distance” – sounds like Pennywise in a good way
10. 1208 - “Turn of the Screw” – sounds like Pennywise in a good way.


BESSER’S BEST SHOWS ON TV THAT ARE NOT COMEDIES
1. Battlestar Gallactica
2. Deadwood
3. Lost
4. The Wire
5. TNT’s coverage of the NBA
6. 4400
7. Dead Zone
8. Smallville
9. Eureka
10. Religion & Ethics Weekly with Bob Abernathy


BESSER’S POLITICAL CORNER
Fuck Joe Lieberman!


BESSER’S LATEST PROJECT
My focus is on sketch again. I will do Woo Pig Sooie on the road where there is interest but I have put my one man show to bed in LA. I’m doing Asssscat every Saturday and Sunday and trying to write up sketches based on scenes from those shows. We’ve got a lot of talented sketch performers at our theaters on both coasts and I’m trying to work with them as much as possible.

WILD GIRLS GONE
Believe it or not we are still not finished filming this movie. The film biz is hard Splangy!

UCB SEASON 2 DVD
Most likely very maybe pretty soonish…

CROSSBALLS DVD
Forget it…but look for us to put up clips on the ucbtheater site very soon.

For booking info:
BOJAN JOVANOVIC
Noise Problem Booking
noiseproblem.com
noiseproblem@comcast.net

April 23rd, 2006
ODE TO A PRIUS OWNER
Oh my look what you did,
You went and bought a hybrid.
Prius people are better than others.
Caring for the world like Sally Strothers.
They deserve the carpool lane you must admit.
Instead of taking our future,
They’re giving a shit.
Everyone take a moment to thank a Prius Owner.
Be they rich like Larry David,
Or just a poor stoner.
Prius owners
Keep the globe from warming
Killer bees from swarming
Give them all your respect
Since they stop the green house effect.
Prius owners are the best, if you ask me.
At least they’re better than the owner of an SUV.

April 16th, 2006
at the UCB theater in LA we're doing a 420 show on 4/20
www.ucbtheater.com

DID THE UCB START THE MARIJUANA CODE 4:20?
Of course we did. Yet another UCB number combination has been ripped off. In the 70’s some burnouts called the Waldoes stole it from our Inner Sanctum. Now everyone is saying it. I have compiled a list of other facts about the origin of 4:20.
- 4:20 has great significance…. 4:20 pm is world wide "burn time".
- 4/20 is the toker's New Year's Day.
- April 20th (4/20) is another usage, meaning that it is time for the weed farmers to plant sweet seeds before the summer
- Police dispatch code for smoking pot is 420. Checks of criminal codes suggest that the origin is Humboldt County, California.
- There are exactly 420 active chemicals in marijuana.
- April 20th is National Pot Smokers Day.
- April 20th is Hitler's birthday.
- The date of the Columbine school shootings.
- Bob Marley died at 4:20.
- Tommy Chong born at 4:20 on 4/20.
- 4:20 was when many God damn hippies could finally get out of detention and get to smoke their first joint of the day.
- 4:20 is tea time for pot-smokers in Holland.
- 4:20 is the time you should dose to be peaking when the (Grateful) Dead went on stage.
- Paul McCartney released "Band on the Run" on 4/20.
- Bob Dylan's song "Rainy Day Woman # 12 and 35." 12 multiplied by 35 equals none other than 420. In the same song Dylan chants, "everybody must get stoned" over and over again. From the album “Blonde on Blonde”.

Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good,
They'll stone ya just a-like they said they would.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to go home.
Then they'll stone ya when you're there all alone.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned.

Well, they'll stone ya when you're walkin' 'long the street.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to keep your seat.
They'll stone ya when you're walkin' on the floor.
They'll stone ya when you're walkin' to the door.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned.

They'll stone ya when you're at the breakfast table.
They'll stone ya when you are young and able.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to make a buck.
They'll stone ya and then they'll say, "good luck."
Tell ya what, I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned.

Well, they'll stone you and say that it's the end.
Then they'll stone you and then they'll come back again.
They'll stone you when you're riding in your car.
They'll stone you when you're playing your guitar.
Yes, but I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned.

Well, they'll stone you when you walk all alone.
They'll stone you when you are walking home.
They'll stone you and then say you are brave.
They'll stone you when you are set down in your grave.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned
- The Beatles song "Come Together" is 4:20 in length
- In the works of H. P. Lovecraft. A short story of his, entitled "In the Walls of Eryx" and first published in Weird Tales [34, No. 4 (October 1939), pp50-68], contains this passage:
I had encountered at least one of those curious mirage-plants about which so many of our men told stories. Anderson had warned me of them, and described their appearance very closely—the shaggy stalk, the spiky leaves, and the mottled blossoms whose gaseous dream-breeding exhalations penetrate every existing make of mask...Although everything was spinning perilously, I tried to start in the right direction and hack my way ahead. My route must have been far from straight, for it seemed hours before I was free of the mirage-plant's pervasive influence. Gradually the dancing lights began to disappear, and the shimmering spectral scenery began to assume the aspect of solidity. When I did get wholly clear I looked at my watch and was astonished to find that the time was only 4:20. Though eternities had seemed to pass, the whole experience could have consumed little more than a half-hour.
- Longitude 4 degrees and latitude 20 degrees marks the location of the Garden of Eden. The apple in the Garden of Eden is actually the marijuana bud. Adam and Eve smoked it and that made them so horny that they committed the Original Sin.
- D is the 4th letter in the alphabet and T is the 20th letter, and the DT’s are what you get when you go cold turkey on the marijuana. D.T. stand for the Devil’s Trap or Devil’s Tool or Devil’s Titty.
- WARNING FLAG - It certainly doesn't matter too much where the term came from because for us parents, it's a flag, a warning sign that our teenagers may be into something that could harm their future. When you see the symbol 420, be aware of what it represents. Marijuana is the Devil’s Tool.
ANAGRAMS of “four twenty” =
“we fun to try” – subliminal message to encourage addiction to pot
“went fry out” - which is what your brain does.
“try new tofu” – further evidence of the hippie conspiracy to ruin the beef industry and thus deprive Americans of the protein they need to keep alert to the communists, atheists, liberals, etc.
“new fury tot” - refers to the anti-Christ baby coming to Earth to usher in the apocalypse.
“wet fun Troy”- like the Trojan horse the hippies try to slip their evil into use with their supposedly fun harmless drug.

December 29th, 2005
?s & ANSWERS TO THEM, FROM EMAILS TO ME

Hey, Matt, I grew up in Arkansas, where "Woo Pig Sooie" is the fightin' call for the Razorbacks. Is this where your grandmother's from? There are plenty of fundamentalists there--my family is some of them. I'm an atheist now. Telling them I was an athiest was like a "coming out" experience; they went through all the phases to deal with it, anger, denial, depression, and acceptance. Are you doing the "Woo Pig Sooie" in San Francisco? I would love to come see it. Are you coming back again, or putting it out on CD or DVD?

Yes, I too am a Razorback fan. And yes my grandmother is from the Ozarks of Arkansas. Harrison in Boone County to be exact. A nearby town called Jasper was the home of Dogpatch USA which was a amusement park dedicated to the characters of Lil Abner. But I also remember the Schmoo walking around saying “schmoo” but I’m not sure how he ties into the Lil Abner mythology. It was Schmoo that convinced me that there is no God. In that part of the state it was considered unbelievable to not be a Christian. In my show I try to juxtapose my grandmother’s intolerance of my Jewish father with the present day intolerance of the religious right. I know that doesn’t sound funny, but I swear that the show is a comedy. Next show is Dec. 30 at the UCB theater in LA.
I probably won’t do this show again in San Francisco but I do want to tour it through the Bible belt. I’m trying to get that together now. Please email me if you have any places you think I should hit in the South and southwest adair@uprightcitizens.org
We are going to do an Asssscat at the SF Sketch fest on Jan. 27th. Roberts, Poehler, Dratch, Horatio, and Arnett will also be there.


I know the show has been over for a long time, but I was curious as to how much input you had on the show. Did you make the shows a lot by yourself or was it a giant production, and you were just the actor/writer.

As far as writing the scenes goes, the four UCB wrote all the scenes except for a few written by Josh Siegal, Joe Ventura, Eric Zicklin, and Armando Diaz. Our EP was Kent Altarman who helped with all the scenes and the editing choices. We got to do 99% of the scenes that we wanted to do.
Every sketch had at least 50 people making it go. Our makeup guy was a genius. Our costumers, props, and set designers were great. Our editors had a great sense of humor and were very patient with us. All of our directors were the best and had a lot of input into the creation of the scenes. Across the board we liked everyone on staff and really appreciated everyone’s contribution.

I was wondering how you respond to criticism that improv is on a lower level than sketch comedy because sketch comedy allows the writers to refine their lines and ensure that most of them will succeed before performing. It seems to be an ongoing debate in the comedy community.

It is logical that a scene can get better by putting it on stage, seeing how it goes, and then rewriting it. There are very few scenes that I have improvised and then later put up as a sketch without any changes (“Virtual Rape” was an exception). On the other hand some improvised scenes are really solid. And an improvised scene is usually better acted than a written scene. It’s hard to duplicate that “being in the moment” acting that you get in improv. So with improv there can be an argument that the flow and connection of the characters is more organic and natural and better for those reasons. The truth is that 95% of improv sucks and 95% of sketch sucks. It’s some of the people who do comedy who are on a lower level, not the medium (“all sitcoms suck”) or the genre (“all improv sucks”). Except, of course, short form improv which we can all agree sucks completely.

F’ed Up & Illegal Videos was a fun show. That little Hitler kid was awesome! The Gary Busey stuff was genius. Kudos to everyone involved.

This show is the most fun Walsh and I have had on stage since moving to LA. Some of these videos are truly astounding. Paul F. Tompkins showed a video of a kid doing an audition tape where he does basically a one man show about Hitler dressed in a Nazi uniform and with a mustache. Next F’ed Up show will be Nov. 12 at midnight. If you got a weird video you’d like to show then drop off a copy for me at the UCB box office.


---




Asssscat: Improv
We haven’t heard anything from Bravo so who knows what the future is but in the meantime check out some scenes that got cut from the show. Hopefully a bit of web traffic will help our cause too.
http://www.bravotv.com/ASSSSCAT_Improv/video.shtml

Nipsey Russell R.I.P. He was always cool to the UCB when we did bits with him on Conan. He once told us. “Hollywood is one typewriter and a thousand copy machines.”


How did you get involved in "Stung", the Method Man / Redman prank show (do I have that name right? That was you, wasn't it?)

On the UCB show we invited the Wu Tang to be in an episode. You see the UCB’s inner sanctum is in the middle of the earth and so is the Wu Tang’s 36th Chamber. Naturally their tunnels sometimes intersect. The only Wu that showed up was the RZA. He was very cool and explained what “cipher” means. He also brought along the Black Knights of the North Star and Killarmy. I had a long conversation with one of Killarmy who wanted me to get him a long car to take him home. It took me a while to figure out that long car is a limo. Once they got the long car they got it to take them to clubs. The night ended with a limo window being kicked out. ODB was supposed to be in that bit but he wouldn’t go out when the car came to pick him up. So that’s how we met the Wu tang and killer bees. In the mythology of the UCB show Adair and RZA were roommates at Oxford.
After UCB ended my first passion was to continue the prank/sketch that we had done in UCB. I pitched a show to MTV (before Punkd) with myself as the star. They weren’t buying me as the center but they did like the idea. They wanted to do any show with Redman and Method so they paired us up. I helped them write most of the pranks and I tried to find myself a role in every bit. They were both a lot of fun and they were getting high constantly and not giving a shit. It was truly inspiring to see how to deal with executives. Redman actually got so high that he fell asleep at the beginning of the beat box prank. Most the pranks ended up being lame but I did enjoy the beatbox one.

Also, I'm curious about how the theater itself got started. I didn't hear that it was opening until it happened really. How long were you looking for a theater in L.A.? Was it hard to buy it? Are you going to change the sign someday?

I assume everyone knows that we have had a theater in NYC since 1998. When I moved to LA I really missed it and hoped that we could recreate a similar community out here. We’ve been looking around for about three years but nothing seemed to be right. The previous landlords heard we were looking and contacted us. They had been looking to move for a while. We did not buy it, we have a long lease. We will change the sign soon.


Who owns the UCB (the intellectual property), and what is its relationship to the theaters? Is it a for-profit or not-for-profit operation?
Amy, Walsh, Roberts, and Besser own the UCB in every aspect.
For profit.

How do the theaters pay the rent? What's the relationship between the income from the shows and the classes and so on?
Our goal has always been to have the theater pay for itself and to not depend on money made from the classes. It took us a few years for our NYC theater to reach this goal. Our theory has always been that the popular shows support the less popular shows.

Are there any staff?
We have a business directors, theater managers, school administrators, tourco booker, professional techs, book keeper, teachers, and artistic director. Interns work the box office and door. Susan Hale runs our theater in LA.

Where did the Asssscat form come from?
All good long forms are derivatives of the Harold. Harolds often use monologues as an opening to inspire scenes. Any form called the Montage or the Armando or Asssscat is really just a Harold without all the challenges. Asssscat is the simplest form and we do it the most because it doesn’t require rehearsal. However, don’t confuse form with style. Two different groups could improvise the same form but use entirely different styles of scene work.

Do you prefer it to other forms?
The long form structure is there to make your improv and your humor come about easier. Asssscat is a simpler form but a Harold is much more impressive when a team actually completes a Harold. The Movie is probably my favorite form. (Check out Martini Shot doing it on Thursdays at 9:30). It is fast and easy for the audience to get, but it takes a lot of rehearsal.

What sets the UCB classes apart from say, Groundlings?
I don’t have much info on the Groundlings, but I do know that our style of improv focuses on “finding the game”. I think we focus on this more than any other improv school.

If I'm planning on going to two shows, the second of which does not accept reservations. What if I get out of the first show and there's a huge line for the later show -- do those already in the theatre have the option of staying or get priority admission to the later show in some way?
Yes. If the second show is free.

Tell us a little about what the story is with the Bravo show. How will you achieve it, technically? How long will it be? Will it be an Asssscat? You shot it at the theater in NY? How did you get them interested in making a show of it?
There are a lot of cool executives working for NBC Universal empire. For the last five years two of them in particular, Lisa Leingang and Marc Hirschfeld, have been talking to us about finding a way to put Asssscat on tv. Lisa is one of the coolest most supportive development executives in comedy.
Our first idea was to have it run late night on NBC but that eventually reached a dead end. Last year the UCB made a development deal with NBC and we decided the best fit for Asssscat would be on Bravo.
We have made an hour special with Bravo which will air in the fall. If it goes well then it might be a series. That’s our hope anyway.
We shot the special in Feb. at Chelsea Studios which happens to be a block away from our theater in NYC. For the special we shot two shows. Each show had six segments of fifteen minutes. Each segment started with the monologist taking a new suggestion. So the only difference between the tv show and the stage show is that we did six 15 minute segments a shows instead of two 35 minutes acts. These fifteen minute segments usually had about 5-6 scenes and we chose the best 4. The scenes themselves were not edited down.
The shows went really well. We shot it on a minimalist set with at least nine cameras. They needed a lot of cameras since there was no blocking. We did want to shoot in our theater but our NYC ceiling is too low for tv lights.

Also, I want to hear about the writing process for the UCB show. It was always so driven by the kinds of things that come out in improv (wild connections, high stakes with non-wacky characters, situational stuff) that I imagined it was almost a transcription of improvisations. How did you write it? Did you write solo, or in teams, or on stage, or what?

We wrote in every way. Sometimes it came from one person’s head, or a duo, and sometimes a scene was inspired by something we had done in Asssscat. There was only one scene in thirty episodes which was transcripted and not changed from the original improvised scene. That scene was called Virtual Rape and was in our third season in a show which focused on technology. When you write sketch for tv and you only have 22 minutes then you really have to have an economy of words. Therefore most of our scenes went through several rewrites before they were shot.
The connections are located, they are not written. We tried to find organic connections between scenes just like you do in a Harold. If we decided a connection was too forced or contrived then we dropped it. These connections determined how the scenes were grouped; and themes were formed; and shows were built.

I know you talked a bit after Woo Pig Sooie at the Purple Onion about how the Bug Juice sketch grew out of your experience... where do you find your inspiration?
And how do you write your standup?
Yes, many scenes came from personal experience. The Bug Juice scene is based on an incident that happened at a born again sports camp called Kanakuk. One day some kids from one cabin went to another cabin and smashed a trunk. The head of the camp, Joe White, then gathered everyone on the basketball court and told us that he had a heart condition and that he was going to start jogging out of the camp and that he would not stop until the guilty party confessed. For the next four hours everyone cried and witnessed and everyone falsely confessed to save our martyr Joe White from certain death. You’ll be glad to know that Joe White is still alive and he heads what is equivalent to the Promise Keepers for kids. The Lady of the Lake is based on an ex girlfriend of mine who used to bug me at parties. The Throwing Star Massacre was based on the Jonesboro school shooting spree. And of course Little Donny was inspired by my own deformed anatomy.
I have done different kinds of standup. When I first started back in Chicago I was more interested in the Kaufman type postmodern stuff. I used to bring a toilet bowl on stage filled with my penny collection. Pretty silly. Of late I’ve been trying the total opposite tact. For the last year I have been totally obsessed with how the Christian Right is trying to control our country. I know that most people probably find the discussion of church and state pretty boring but it’s really the only thing that I feel that I have any insight on. So all I’ve been doing is trying to stay well informed on this topic and do my best to talk about it in a funny way. When I write standup I usually just say it off the top of my head the first couple of times I perform, but then I write it up and scrutinize it. (I would love to get my hands on the secret to Dat Phan’s number system.)

How is the cast for ASSSSCAT decided? Do people call each other before the show to make sure enough people show up? Are certain improvisers invited to perform once they have gained a certain level of respect? Same goes for the monologist, how are they decided on?

Asssscat is an improv show that has never had a rehearsal or a set cast. The only common denominator is that some of the original UCB be present to provide a core for the show. Besser, Poehler, Roberts, and Walsh also consider Horatio Sanz to be a part of the core of Asssscat. We have been pitching Asssscat to tv for several years. When we are focusing on its quality we try to keep the number of improvisers to around eight. Now there are Asssscats on both coasts. We are trying to be a little more organized on the west coast by keeping a core of six which includes Besser, Roberts, and Walsh of the UCB and Andrew Daly, Andy Secunda, and Sean Conroy of the SWARM. Adam McKay and Jerry Minor also have an open door invite but they are often too busy to play. Other than those guys we try to book one guest improviser per week. We’re all friends and have fun playing together and that’s probably why we can achieve ensemble without rehearsal. Monologists are usually someone we know who are good at telling stories. We often go to the same people like Andy Richter because they are such good story tellers. There is no calling on phones before shows. We are not our brother’s keeper when it comes to making someone show up to improvise.

How did the UCB start? Who has been an "official" member over the years?

In 1990 there was a bar in Chicago called the Roxy. They had a weekly open mic which attracted a whole rainbow of comedy acts. I first saw Andy Dick, Odenkirk, and Dino on this stage. This is also where I met Matt Walsh. We would do two man bits at the Roxy, the Union, and a great show called Theater of the Bizarre. The Roxy would also put up sketch shows so I booked a month run where me, Walsh, and Jeff Lucas put up a series of scenes. Meanwhile I was starting my classes at ImprovOlymic where I met Adam McKay and Horatio Sanz. They came to our Roxy shows and eventually joined in. At this point the name of the group was Cerebral Strip Mine. We did one scene which parodied a corporate training film and in the scene the makers of the film where the Upright Citizens Brigade who were an affiliate of the Russell Corporation. We liked this idea so much that we made our next sketch show about an evil corporation who is selling a new technology called “Virtual Reality”. This was the first show where we called the group UCB. That show had me, McKay, Horatio, and Ian Roberts who came to the IO about a year after the rest of us. This show had other people who sat in on a few scenes but that foursome was the core that did every VR show. Two other major collaborators on that show were Drew Franklin and Armando Diaz. Drew is a street performance artist who made the UCB eyes. Armando was the head writer on our tv show. There was one bit in that show called the Virtual Road Trip where McKay would take a member of the audience out of the theater and would drive them around the theater’s neighborhood pretending like it was a road trip across country. Armando and Drew shot this on video and edited it during the show, and then we would play it at the end. Our next show was “Conference on the Future of Happiness” Rich Fulcher and Walsh had pieces in that. Then there was “UCBTV” where we incorporated our improv movie techniques into the sketch and that show included Neil Flynn. Then was “Thunderball” which included Amy Poehler for the first time. And finally there was “Big Dirty Hands” and “Punch Your Friend” in the Face which was the final Walsh, Poehler, Roberts, and Besser.

When McKay was on Fresh Air, he told some bizarre stories about some shows in Chicago. What were a few of the most out-of-the-box shows you guys did, or show elements?

During many shows we would lead the crowd out into the street so that we could really prank them. These pranks caused the police the break up our show at least five times. In “Virtual Reality” Horatio was arrested and driven away in cuffs shouting “Fight the power!” because we had staged a virtual revolution in the streets complete with lit torches and fake guns. We did another bit where we would stop traffic by having a thanksgiving dinner in the intersection. The car with Adam on the Virtual Road Trip would then hit Horatio crossing the street. One time we were harassed by the Latin Kings and another time a crazy homeless guy tried to choke me. Once Adam staged a suicide where we threw a dummy off a 12 a story building.
In “Conference on the Future of Happiness” we led the audience down an alleyway where we then broke into the back on someone’s house, beat a guy up, and stole his bass guitar. This was to teach them that being free of laws gives you happiness. Also I would convince a neighborhood kid to put a bottle rocket in his mouth and light it. Once lit, I berated the adults which comprised the audience and told the kid the key to happiness is never trust adults. At the end that show we gathered the audience back at the theater where we opened up a wooden box which contained the magic sentence of happiness: “Don’t be a sucker.” Then we took raw biscuit dough from the box and pelted the audience with it until our get away car arrived then we hopped in and drove away.
In “Thunderball” we ended the show by staging a riot in front of Wrigley Field to call for the end of professional baseball. When we videotaped us playing Thunderball that was some of the stupidest shit we’ve ever done. We drove my Honda Accord around a public softball field with a bunch of young improvisers diving on and around the car as it fishtailed in the dirt until finally someone went through the front windshield and the party was over.
In “Saigon Suicide Squad” we used to get an audience member high on nitrous oxide. That was fun to watch at the time but also very stupid thing to do, but you have to make them laugh somehow.

Are there things you wish you'd done in your career/avocation when you were young that you didn't? Ones you did and you were so happy you did?

I probably should have moved to NYC sooner than I did but then I wouldn’t have hooked up with the same group of people so I don’t regret it. I’m so happy.

How many people usually show up for the improv jam? Is it cool to just show up, or should you call someone first to let them know you want to come?

It seems to be growing in popularity every week. Just show up and tell the host before the show that you want to play.
“Pimp’d” is an open show for standups. Go see it and ask Sean Conroy, the host and MC, about how to get in the show.
“Not Too Shabby” is not an open mic. It’s for people who are currently performing at the theater. If you’d like to put up a sketch and you are not performing at the theater then talk to the hosts Neil Campbell or Paul Rust and they might have room to put you up every once in a while. Go to a show and talk to them about it.

What was your contribution to the film Junebug/What can you tell us about it?

The director of Junebug is Phil Morrison. He also directed a majority of the first seasons episodes. He was kind enough to give me a small role which can be seen in the opening ten minutes. I’m a art scout. Also in this scene are Jerry Minor and Will Oldham. It was very cool to meet Will since I’m a fan of his music.
I think this movie is great all around. Phil really shines as the director too. He really knows how to tell a story even with a simple camera refocus. Very Jarmusch. It’s playing at good theaters now so check it out.

UCB seasons 2/3 and DVD. Please expand on the subject.
This is a challenge because it’s not up to us. A very cool fan of the UCB has started a petition for Comedy Central to release a season 2 & 3 of our tv show.
http://www.petitiononline.com/ucbdvd23/petition.html

Has Comedy Central shown any interest in releasing a Crossballs DVD? I loved that shit when it was on last summer.

The DVD situation at Comedy Central is too confusing for me. Crossballs caused so much trouble with so many of our guests that I’m guessing it will never be seen again. I’m posting as many clips as I can on mattbesser.com

Is UCB planning on having Harold teams? If so what are going to be the requirements to auditions?

Seth Morris is the new Artistic Director and he can be contacted in our office during the day. 323-908-8702 You must at least complete a second level with us to audition.

Asssscat on BRAVO
The UCB would like to thank everyone in the improv community who supported Asssscat and helped us give it a shot on tv. And of course a big thanks to Del who gave us all the tools. Hopefully it will do good numbers and we can do it as a series.
To answer a few questions:
No, there was no laugh track added. If the laughs sound awkward then it is something in the mix.
Yes, there were wider shots of the whole stage but then you can’t really see people’s expressions on their face when you stay in that shot.
Yes, the end of the penny debate was cut off last night. There are at least 20 seconds left in that scene. I’m looking into it so maybe it will be all right in the reruns.
Yes, we did shoot two shows but almost every scene was taken from the second show. The first show was more of a warm up. The main plan was to shoot six twelve minute acts and choose the best five. We all were a bit nervous and uptight on the first show and even a little bit in the second. I bet if we did a series and were able to shoot a bunch then we would loosen up to do more callbacks and tag-outs which are indicative of our regular shows.
Yes, most of our improv is based on “the game” because that’s the way we roll.

How does one increase the chance of attending a live show that includes the four core UCB members? Are you all in LA now?
The guys live in LA but Amy lives in NYC. She often comes to LA when SNL is on break so look at our schedule in those down weeks. In NYC the Del Close marathon is the best time to get all four together. But have you seen…
http://www.bravotv.com/ASSSSCAT_Improv/video.shtml

What happened to the message boards at uprightcitizens.org?
They are coming back soon. Hopefully with less horse cocks.

I live in a place where we dont have those amazing sounding comedy shows the ucb theaters provides, I wish some show videos could be put up on a website, I would pay good money for that(other people would too!).
That is a plan in the works. We just want it to look and sound good so we’re learning how to do it right. Get on our mailing list at ucbtheatre.com

Was the UCB doing sketch before the show? How/why did you transition from improv to sketch and back?
You got it backwards. UCB originated as a sketch group and we never really improvised as the UCB until we moved to NYC. My improv group in Chicago was called the Family. Ian Roberts was also in that group along with Neil Flynn and Adam McKay and some other guys you might not know. Since then we did it simultaneously so there was no switching back and forth.

I'm founding an Improv Troupe at my high school. Do you have any advice for being successful?
Rehearse a lot and get good instruction on the techniques you want to learn.
Don’t name your group after a pun.
Don’t do short form.
Avoid black outs.
Don’t think.
Now go!

I've founded an Improv Troupe at my high school, and I was wondering if you have any advice for us? We're going to try to use the general ASSSSCAT format for some of our shows. What tips might you have about monologues, doing scenes, and improv in general?

In short…when you listen to a monologue, think of it as a pool of ideas. Every time the monologist makes a point or says a detail that makes you laugh then analyze why you are laughing. That thing that made you laugh is the place you will start your scene.
My tip…don’t make the scene about the chair.

I was watching the bucket of truth episode again, and i can't help but
think of that song that Captain lunatic makes people dance to sounds
like a Barry White song. I was wondering if you knew what song this was
or if you guys made it up or what?

On our first season we had Dave Adler, a musical genius working with us. This is a guy that we had worked with at the Annoyance Theater in Chicago. For the purposes of improv he is the best keyboardist in the game. He made 95% of the music on the first season. This was his spot on parody of a Barry White song. Also listen closely to his version of the chumbawumba song in Lady of the Lake.

Was the REAL JD Salinger on the "Little Donny" episode? I've
tried looking online for days now, to no avail.
That was not the real JD Salinger. That was DB Cooper doing his best JD Salinger impression.

June 13th, 2005
UCB Theater in LA is coming July 2

5919 Franklin Avenue (at Bronson)
(323) 908-8702

Get on our LA mailing list at www.ucbtheater.com

UCB teaching classes in LA now!
Level one and two now available.

www.ucbtheater.com

Register NOW, classes will fill up quickly.


in NYC

July 20
Wednesday
9:30
"Woo Pig Sooie"
Matt Besser (Upright Citizens Brigade, Crossballs)performs a one man show about his battles with God, and the making of an atheist where a Jewish father and a Christian mother make one pissed off Fundamentalist Grandma.
This show may have appeared under the alternate titles:
”God vs. Matt Besser”; “Besser In Satan’s Service”; “Christian Camp for Jews”; “John the Baptist, Matt the Atheist”; “Vatican’t”; “Religious Experience Required”;
“R U There Jason Kidd? It’s Me, Matt Besser”; “The Bible Belch”.

July 21
SUPER ASSSSCAT at SUMMERSTAGE in CENTRAL PARK
Biggest best Asssscat ever and it's FREE!
Matt Besser, Matt Walsh, Ian Roberts, Horatio Sans, and surprise guests.
Buy your plane tix now.

July 21-24
Del Close Marathon

May 28th, 2005
WHEN IS ASSSSCAT GOING TO BE ON BRAVO?
They have not confirmed a date with us yet, but it will be no later than September.
In other Asssscat news, we have been invited to do NYC Central Park's Summerstage. That show will be on July 21, right in the middle of the 7th annual Del Close Marathon. It's free! If you ever planned on visiting NYC, then this is the week.

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER TO PLAY ON UCB?
Redneck and Sweet Johnny V are the two characters which I try to play as much as I can. They are amalgamations of drug dealers and former aquaintances in my youthful days of Arkansas. The Food Nazi is another character which was transformed on Crossballs to be the Fashion Nazi. His current incarnation is Pope Ratzinger Benedict XVI.

IS ANTOINE REALLY A CYBORG?
Is the glass half empty or half full? I'd rather focus on the parts of Antoine that we know to be human. Antoine is a really good guy. He's at least 23% human and that's enough human for me.

WHY IS YOUR ONE MAN SHOW CALLED "WOO PIG SOOIE!"?
It takes a one man show to explain this completely, but in short, "woo pig sooie" is how one calls a hog, or more specifically, riles up a razorback. See show at UCBTheater in LA beginning in July.

I WANT TO BE A COMEDIAN BUT HOW CAN YOU WATCH YOURSELF IN A RECORDING WITHOUT THINKING THAT YOU DID A TERRIBLE JOB?
Now you see why comedians are drunks and druggies. It's a fringe benefit of the job. I add a laugh track to all my videos. And it's a specialized laugh track. It's a hundred hot, cool, smart people laughing.

April 19th, 2005
ARE THE UCB OPENING A THEATER IN LA? WILL THIS AFFECT THE NYC UCB THEATER?
Yes we are opening a theater in LA. It should open in June or July and we will start classes even sooner. If you are interested please get on our LA mailing list which can be found on the UCB theater website. www.ucbtheater.com
Of course, the theater in NYC will remain and continue to prosper. Hopefully the best shows from both theaters will cross-pollinate and produce mutant shows. The mutant shows will then be bred and their off-springs will be raised in seclusion. By 2050 our shows should be invincible and immune to all disease.


DID THE UCB START THE MARIJUANA CODE 4:20?
Of course we did. Yet another UCB number combination has been ripped off. In the 70’s some burnouts called the Waldoes stole it from our Inner Sanctum. Now everyone is saying it. I have compiled a list of other facts about the origin of 4:20.
- 4:20 has great significance…. 4:20 pm is world wide "burn time".
- 4/20 is the toker's New Year's Day.
- April 20th (4/20) is another usage, meaning that it is time for the weed farmers to plant sweet seeds before the summer
- Police dispatch code for smoking pot is 420. Checks of criminal codes suggest that the origin is Humboldt County, California.
- There are exactly 420 active chemicals in marijuana.
- April 20th is National Pot Smokers Day.
- April 20th is Hitler's birthday.
- The date of the Columbine school shootings.
- Bob Marley died at 4:20.
- Tommy Chong born at 4:20 on 4/20.
- 4:20 was when many God damn hippies could finally get out of detention and get to smoke their first joint of the day.
- 4:20 is tea time for pot-smokers in Holland.
- 4:20 is the time you should dose to be peaking when the (Grateful) Dead went on stage.
- Paul McCartney released "Band on the Run" on 4/20.
- Bob Dylan's song "Rainy Day Woman # 12 and 35." 12 multiplied by 35 equals none other than 420. In the same song Dylan chants, "everybody must get stoned" over and over again. From the album “Blonde on Blonde”.

Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good,
They'll stone ya just a-like they said they would.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to go home.
Then they'll stone ya when you're there all alone.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned.

Well, they'll stone ya when you're walkin' 'long the street.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to keep your seat.
They'll stone ya when you're walkin' on the floor.
They'll stone ya when you're walkin' to the door.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned.

They'll stone ya when you're at the breakfast table.
They'll stone ya when you are young and able.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to make a buck.
They'll stone ya and then they'll say, "good luck."
Tell ya what, I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned.

Well, they'll stone you and say that it's the end.
Then they'll stone you and then they'll come back again.
They'll stone you when you're riding in your car.
They'll stone you when you're playing your guitar.
Yes, but I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned.

Well, they'll stone you when you walk all alone.
They'll stone you when you are walking home.
They'll stone you and then say you are brave.
They'll stone you when you are set down in your grave.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned
- The Beatles song "Come Together" is 4:20 in length
- In the works of H. P. Lovecraft. A short story of his, entitled "In the Walls of Eryx" and first published in Weird Tales [34, No. 4 (October 1939), pp50-68], contains this passage:
I had encountered at least one of those curious mirage-plants about which so many of our men told stories. Anderson had warned me of them, and described their appearance very closely—the shaggy stalk, the spiky leaves, and the mottled blossoms whose gaseous dream-breeding exhalations penetrate every existing make of mask...Although everything was spinning perilously, I tried to start in the right direction and hack my way ahead. My route must have been far from straight, for it seemed hours before I was free of the mirage-plant's pervasive influence. Gradually the dancing lights began to disappear, and the shimmering spectral scenery began to assume the aspect of solidity. When I did get wholly clear I looked at my watch and was astonished to find that the time was only 4:20. Though eternities had seemed to pass, the whole experience could have consumed little more than a half-hour.
- Longitude 4 degrees and latitude 20 degrees marks the location of the Garden of Eden. The apple in the Garden of Eden is actually the marijuana bud. Adam and Eve smoked it and that made them so horny that they committed the Original Sin.
- D is the 4th letter in the alphabet and T is the 20th letter, and the DT’s are what you get when you go cold turkey on the marijuana. D.T. stand for the Devil’s Trap or Devil’s Tool or Devil’s Titty.
- WARNING FLAG - It certainly doesn't matter too much where the term came from because for us parents, it's a flag, a warning sign that our teenagers may be into something that could harm their future. When you see the symbol 420, be aware of what it represents. Marijuana is the Devil’s Tool.
ANAGRAMS of “four twenty” =
“we fun to try” – subliminal message to encourage addiction to pot
“went fry out” - which is what your brain does.
“try new tofu” – further evidence of the hippie conspiracy to ruin the beef industry and thus deprive Americans of the protein they need to keep alert to the communists, atheists, liberals, etc.
“new fury tot” - refers to the anti-Christ baby coming to Earth to usher in the apocalypse.
“wet fun Troy”- like the Trojan horse the hippies try to slip their evil into use with their supposedly fun harmless drug.

April 15th, 2005
ARE THE UCB OPENING A THEATER IN LA? WILL THIS AFFECT THE NYC UCB THEATER?
Yes we are opening a theater in LA. It should open in June or July and we will start classes even sooner. If you are interested please get on our LA mailing list which can be found on the UCB theater website. www.ucbtheater.com


WHEN IS ASSSSCAT GOING TO BE ON BRAVO?
We have edited Asssscat and we are very happy with the results. Hopefully if it goes over well then it can be a series but for now it will be just one hour special featuring the 4UCB plus Horatio Sans, Rachel Dratch, Kevin Dorf, Andy Richter, and Tina Fey. We don’t have info yet on an air date but come back here and the UCB website for new info.

WHAT DOES “DON’T THINK” MEAN?
After watching all thirty episodes of UCB one should understand the meaning of this all important phrase. Beware of those who ask you to not think, and if you don’t get what I mean then just don’t think about it. Bush and the crazy Christians don’t want us to think. That’s why you need to support this anti-censorship legislation.
SUPPORT HR 1440- Stamp Out Censorship Act of 2005
With President Bush now supporting the very dangerous and unconstitutional effort to extend so-called “broadcast decency standards” to cable and satellite television, Congressman Bernie Sanders said today that passage of his legislation HR 1440, is now more important than ever. HR 1440 would prohibit the government from regulating content on cable TV, satellite radio and the internet. Sanders said; “I am extremely concerned about the growing trends toward censorship and authoritarian government that we are currently seeing. In a free society, people who pay for cable TV should have the right to watch what they want. They don’t need government commissars regulating what they see and hear. If Bush’s idea is adopted, programs like the Sopranos, the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Sex in the City, the Shield, the Howard Stern Show and many other shows could be taken off of cable or significantly changed. This is not what America is supposed to be about. Sanders continued; “If we start regulating cable for “indecency,” where will it end? We have Republican leaders who are threatening our independent judiciary for the decisions they make. We have a President who travels the country on taxpayer dollars doing “town meetings” on Social Security, but who refuses to allow American citizens who disagree with him to ask questions. We have a Republican House Leadership which keeps the vote rolls open after regulation time expires in order to twist arms and win votes. Will it soon be “indecent” for people on television to criticize the President? Is that the Republican definition of “freedom?”
Use this handy website to find out who your rep is then send him an email asking him to support Bernie.
http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW.shtml
And please spread this info.


WHERE DID YOU GET THE “I HUNT WHITE TAIL YEAR ROUND” HAT?
My Redneck character has worn a baseball cap featuring the slogan above. When you hunt white tail deer year round then you get the hat at the end of the year. It is taken away from you at the end of the next year if you have failed to hunt the white tail all the year round. You can’t buy this cap, you have to hunt for it.


WHEN WILL YOU RELEASE UCB DVD SEASON 2?
Unfortunately the release of the DVD is not up to the UCB. Please contact Comedy Central through their website to express your interest in a season 2 & 3 DVDs. Thanks for your support.


WHAT DOES ASSSSCAT MEAN?
It has been said that ASSSSCAT is an acronym which stands for Automatic Sprinkler System Shutdown Siamese Connection Alternative Theater (or Television). It has been said that Asssscat is the Aramaic word for chaos. It has been said that the Asssscat is an animal bred by the Knights of the Templar. Others attribute the word to another knight, Sir Mix A Lot. More research is required.

WILL YOU COME TO MY TOWN TO PERFORM YOUR ONE MAN SHOW?
It depends on my schedule but I do like to tour my one man show. If you’d like to book me then call the UCB office in NYC and ask for Eli. 212-366-9176


ARE THE UCB IN THE UCB TOURING COMPANY?
The UCB 4 including Matt Besser, Amy Poehler, Ian Roberts, and Matt Walsh are not touring as a group because it is impossible to coordinate our different work schedules. Besser, Roberts, and Walsh all now live in LA so they are more likely to do improv shows together on occasion.


CAN I INTERN AT THE UCB THEATER?
Most likely. Just contact our theater manager in NYC.
Alex Siditis alex@ucbt.net or 212-39-66-9176


WHAT IS IN YOUR CD PLAYER RIGHT NOW?
Arcade Fire
The Evens
Ben Lee “Awake is the New Sleep”


WHERE DID YOU GET SWEET JOHNNY V’S DRUMSET? WHERE CAN I GET HIS COFFEE TABLE?
In his will John Bonham gave his drum set to Sweet Johnny V. The coffee table with secret storage space for weed is a one of a kind. And by kind I mean bud.

February 14th, 2005
WHERE CAN I GET A UCB JACKET?
Many people email me asking if they can buy a UCB jacket like the ones we wear while on missions. A UCB jacket must be earned. I seems like that is obvious. Is there a store where you can buy a Pope hat or some angel wings?

ARE THE UCB GOING ON TOUR?
Our theater has a touring company which is always going on tours, but the UCB 4 which include Besser, Poehler, Roberts, and Walsh is not going on tour any time in the near future. We are too busy on our own individual projects. If you want to book the UCB Theater touring company in your town/college, then contact Eli during business hours at the UCB Office 212-366-9176 or eli@ucbt.net

IS ASSSSCAT GOING TO BE A SHOW ON BRAVO?
We are taping an hour special for BRAVO that will air for sure. It is not a pilot but f the special goes well then maybe it will become a series.
In addition to the UCB 4, we will have Tina Fey and Andy Richter doing monologues and Rachel Dratch, Kevin Dorff, Horatio Sanz will imporvise.
The show will be taped at Chelsea studios and will not affect our Sunday shows at the UCB Theater which will continue every Sunday.

IS SUPERCOOL A REAL DRUG OR IS IT JUST THE SUGAR IN A PIXIE STICK?
The molecular structure of the substance found inside a Pixie stick is almost identical to the world's most powerful drug, Supercool. But Supercool will get you much higher. Most of the NBA does Supercool every day.

January 26th, 2005
Bullshit On That List
Things that I would like to shout out to these people if I ever saw them in a public area. I feel the best way to insult someone is to call them m”fat” or to question their virility. These insults below need a punch up, so if you have any submissions send them to my mail address. The best ones will be added to the list.

1. Monica Lewinski – “I love your work... on that blowjob. You are to blowjobs what Xeorox is to copying. You’re the most famous adulteress of the last one hundred years. You are the most influential cum receptacle ever. A good way to get out of the limelight is to not blab your huge fat mouth. Rod Stewart thanks you for replacing him at the top of the dicksucking legends.”
2. Kenneth Starr – “You are not the hero that you imagine in your own head. You are the biggest cog in the very real Republican conspiracy. How is a President impeachable for an act of adultery but not for sending a thousand kids to die in a senseless war?”
3. Linda Tripp – a former White House secretary who came to epitomize the self-righteous tattle-tale, threw herself into the middle of the Clinton investigation by secretly taping revealing conversations with one-time friend Monica Lewinsky. With school-girl breathiness, Lewinsky confided the details of her affair with President Clinton, providing Tripp with 20 hours of recorded evidence. The legality of and motives behind Tripp's actions became new material for investigation. (*this is some descrition I copied off some website somewhere) - “You’re the most evil, most destructive gossiper in the history of the world. How could any human ever love you? How could a dog even love you? If there was a robot made just to love you, then you would make it self-destruct because even it could not love you.”
4. Senator Joe Lieberman – “Stop calling yourself a Democrat. You are embarrassing to Democrats. You are a Republican in Democrat’s clothing. Your uptight moral value phony baloney would look more appropriate in the right wing.”
5. Heather Wilson – congresswoman for New Mexico’s 1st District – She was very upset by Janet Jackson’s nipple. “If you had sex every once in a decade then you wouldn’t be as uptight as you are. Why make the nation suffer for your bad sex life? You embarrass your children. ”
20 First Plaza NW
Suite 603
Albuquerque, NM 87102
505-346-6723 fax

6. Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas is a leading voice in calling for increased corporate responsibility in the entertainment industry. Not a fan of Howard Stern - “You are so repressed, you’re probably scared of your own genitals.”

7. Governor Huckabee “Please stop embarrassing Arkansas.”

Valentines Day conversion
Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee believes 'Covenant Marriage' is the solution to his state's high divorce rate
If you aren't familiar with "Covenant Marriage," you should be by Valentines Day. In an event resembling the mass marriage ceremonies presided over by the Unification Church's Reverend Sun Myung Moon, Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee and his wife will convert their thirty-year marriage to covenant marriage on February 14 -- Valentines Day -- and they hope to be joined for a mass covenant marriage ceremony by 1,000 other Arkansas couples at the Alltel Arena in North Little Rock.
In mid-November, Governor Huckabee, accompanied by Dennis Rainey of Little Rock, Arkansas-based FamilyLife, a division of Campus Crusade for Christ, spent two days barnstorming about the state seeking converts. The governor said that while he thought the cost of the soiree would be covered by donations, he pointed out that he didn't mind using taxpayer funds to promote the project: "We believe it's an important enough event to use this time and resources for it because, quite frankly, we're spending an enormous amount of money dealing with the consequences of marriages that don't work out."

8. Alexandra Pelosi- daughter of Nancy Pelosi and pretends to be some kind of documentary maker but is more just a camera holder and not funny gad fly that she wishes to be. - “Your mother is really cool. Too bad she didn’t pass any of that along to you. You are not funny. Someone needed to tell you that along time ago.

9. Bruce “the Rat” Ratner – The new owner who has ruined the Nets. “Hey Rat! Ante up ante up!”

10. Dat Phan – Winner of last Comic Standing season 1 who used huge stereotypical Korean dialect to mock his mother and her native country. “Ching chhong donkey kong!”

I'll be in NYC Feb. 19-25. Check out "Woo Pig Sooie" at the UCB Theater and go to the special taping of Asssscat on Feb. 24. www.ucbtheater.com will have best info.

January 8th, 2005
QUESTION: I like how you play the two women ( The lake nymph from "The Lady of the Lake" and the wife in the Chinese restaurant from the "Time Machine"). They really capture more of a femanine quality and don't seem like you are doing drag. I am a first year improv student who thinks a lot of you guys, and not until I saw you do these two characters did I have some way of approaching actually playing a women in a way that seems real. What I'm hoping is that maybe you can give me a little insite into how you got to these characters.

ANSWER: Every male wishes to know the secrets of the female species. I was only able to play women after I was willing to give up my relentless masculinity. Cutting off my penis was one of the best moves that I ever made to improve my improv skills. There are male improvisers out there who will claim duct taping your balls back is enough, but I think anything less than full castration is just going to make you a one gender improviser.

I'm in NYC jan. 9-16 so everyone check out my shows at the ucb theater, Eating It, and Upstairs at Riffi.

December 15th, 2004
PATRIOT ACT SANTA

You better watch out

You better watch out! Watch out for any suspicious activity, especially watch out for foreigners. The “You better watch out!” campaign is going to get a lot of government funding this year. It’s important to let the world know how terrified it should be and how much we should be watching. Ho ho ho.

You better not cry, Better not pout
I'm telling you why

We are really going to crack down on pouting. Pouting will not be tolerated! This rampant Hollywood liberal elitist pouting is akin to treason. Most of my elf workforce has been reassigned to enforcing the pouting punishments.

Santa Claus is coming to town!

No thanks to the Democrats spending your hard earned tax dollars on special interests groups.

I’m making a list
And checking it twice;

I been looking at my list and you are all on the list. This year we are not just checking the list twice. Every name will be cross checked dozens of times.

Gonna find out who's naughty and nice

I’m checking to see who’s been naughty or nice or foreign looking, especially you fellows with the crazy facial hair. Sure I have a beard but I live at the North Pole where a beard actually helps keep you warm. You terrorist looking lads have no excuse.
Hear this naughty kids! My legion of flying magical reindeer will be rounding up naughty kids and putting them in a special naughty camp in Guantanamo Bay. There we will find out the intent of the child’s naughtiness and see if there are any ties to the Al Queda. Of course, truly naughty kids will be deported and these actions will cut into the coal budget severely in fact we may completely cut our Coal In the Stockings Program completely.
We will also be keeping a lookout for certain nice kids. If nice kids are nice to naughty kids we want to know why.

Santa Claus is coming to town

No thanks to tax and spend liberals like Hillary Clinton.
He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

The public has been made aware numerous times that we know when you are sleeping and we know when you are awake, and we have complete access to everything on your computer. Our elfin technology is more advanced than using hidden cameras. We now can use satellites to measure your body heat. Masturbation will not be tolerated.

We know if you’ve been bad or good…

We know every purchase that you’ve made with a credit card, and we also have ways of tracking your cash purchases. What are all those one way tickets about? Why all the fertilizer? Why do you own a Koran?

So be good for goodness sake!

So be good for goodness sake and also be good to avoid imprisonment.

SO! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town

October 22nd, 2004
CROSSBALLS RERUNS
Crossballs in new time slot! Spread the word!
Beginning Nov. 8
Crossballs will rerun
on Comedy Central
Monday – Friday
at 6:30pm and 1:30am EST
These times never seem to be right so check out your own local listings.

NOVEMBER 2
Obviously we all need to vote, but it's how we can influence others which is important. Do you know anyone who lives in a swing state that is sitting on the fence? If yes then get them off their ass and make them vote Democrat. Do you have a friend who is only a Republican because his or her parent is one? If yes then make fun of them, berate them, do whatever it takes to get them to rethink their ill found loyalty. Convince them to stay home Nov. 2.
Political bumper stickers don’t help the cause, it more likely hurts it. Just because you are a democrat doesn’t mean you're a good driver. That sticker will become the car’s identifying feature so after one of your rude cut-offs people will be saying “That John Kerry mutherfucker cut me off!”
What will really turn the tide is getting your relatives and friends who live in the middle of America to stop voting Republican just because it’s a tradition in their family or they really respect the party of Lincoln.
Fuck Bush.

WHAT IS IN YOUR CD PLAYER?
Although this is a queer question, I do like answering it.
Weakerthans (all three releases are great)
Broken Social Scene "You Forgot It In People"
Bonnie Prince Billy "Greatest Palace Music"
Balzac "Beyond the Darkness"
Green Day "American Idiot" - I make no apologies for liking rock operas.

DID ANY OF THE REAL GUESTS ON CROSSBALLS RECOGNIZE YOU AS ADAIR?
No. Fame has never really been a big problem for me. None of the guests on Crossballs ever thought that we were actors. Sometimes right after the great absurdity of the fourth act a few real guests caught on that we were comedians. The two guests in the science show seemed to think the clones arguing with each other was funny.

I did, however get recognized as Bong Boy a lot when I was at the last Phish show. I think many people thought that they were hallucinating me.

I don’t have time to answer everyone’s mail so I will try to answer your questions on this page.
Send any further questions to adair@uprightcitizens.org and I’ll try to answer them in the future on this page.
Also check out the new Crossballs message board on ucbtheatre.com

September 8th, 2004
I’d like to thank everyone who writes me. I don’t have time to answer everyone’s mail so I will try to answer your questions on this page.
Send any further questions to adair@uprightcitizens.org and I’ll try to answer them in the future on this page.
Also check out the new Crossballs message board on ucbtheatre.com


On Thursday, Sept. 23 at 9:30, I will do my show “FGod” at the UCB Theater in NYC.
It will include bits from previous shows plus some new ones. I promise to F God.
I will do the Asssscats on Sept. 26.

Tour Info
I’m thinking about touring my one man show in Jan. and May and maybe this Dec. So I’m trying to get info on towns which go for alternative comedy types like myself. In the future we might send other acts from the UCB Theater. Please send your info to adair@uprightcitizens.org
Or post on the UCB Theater forum. Any info about your town would be great.

Best venue for comedy?
Capacity:
All ages?


Best venue for indie label music?
Capacity:
All ages?


Local college?



Best record stores?


Best cafes?


Best radio station? Radio show?


Best local paper? Entertainment writer?


Best local improv/sketch group?


Your favorite website for getting info about comedy, tv, or DVDs?



What would you like to see in a touring show?


What are the three coolest (whatever that means to you) cities in the USA?


What was the best act(Comedian, band, etc...) that has recently played in your town? Where did they play?


Crossballs
Thanks for all the compliments about Crossballs. If you want Crossballs to rerun at a later time slot or you want a DVD then please tell Comedy Central at mail@comedycentral.com
Check out the new message boards in the forum section of ucbtheatre.com

Fatty Arbuckle
If you are the guy who called me about actors for the Fatty film I have them now. Please contact me again.

August 28th, 2004

I’d like to thank everyone who writes me. I don’t have time to answer everyone’s mail so I will try to answer your questions on this page.
Send any further questions to adair@uprightcitizens.org and I’ll try to answer them in the future on this page.
Also check out the new Crossballs message board on ucbtheatre.com

HOW BIG IS YOUR COCK RING?
I get this question a lot. Actually my size cock ring is hard to find. I usually have to shop at the Big & Tall Men porno boutiques. I also know a guy who makes cock rings for horse cocks so that usually works out for me.

WILL CROSSBALLS BE ON DVD? WHEN WILL UCB SEASON 2 COME OUT ON DVD? CAN YOU RERUN CROSSBALLS LATER AT NIGHT?
I wish this were up to me but it is not. The rumor about UCB season 2 coming out this winter is untrue. The only way to get these DVDs released is for you to let Comedy Central know how much you want it. Mail@comedycentral.com


WHAT INSPIRED CROSSBALLS? HOW DID YOU MAKE CROSSBALLS? HAVE YOU EVER DONE CROSSBALLS AT THE UCB THEATER?
When I was in college from ‘85-’89, I had a college radio show, “Matt’s Magical Sack of Dump”. I played punk music and called up local stores, frats, and students and fucked with them playing different characters and sometimes just being myself. At that time I read an underground annual journal of sorts called “Research” and this issue was “Pranks”. This is when I first got turned on to Joey Skaggs and Alan Abel, and Coyle & Sharpe. (Mal Sharpe and Joey Skaggs have lectured at our theater in NYC). I also watched the Andy Kaufman in the Catch a Rising Star Reunion video and I knew that I wanted to pursue a similar path. After college I moved to Chicago in 1990 where me and my group the Upright Citizens Brigade (Ian Roberts, Matt Walsh, Amy Poehler, Adam McKay, Horatio Sans, Neil Flynn, Rich Fulcher) started doing sketch shows where all of our performances hinged on fucking with the audience’s minds. We always took the audience out into the streets at some point in the show so that they would fall for weird shit when it happened. We did shows where our actors got hit by cars, jumped off a roof to commit suicide, and once we started a small traffic jam/riot in the middle of Wicker Park where Horatio really got arrested and taken away to jail. In other shows we were really threatened by Latin Kings and I was once choked by a wino who said we were performing on his corner. We once convinced an audience that we were breaking into someone’s house to steal a bass guitar. Many shows ended with throwing raw biscuit dough at the audience and then driving off as we left them blocks away from the theater.
While I was doing UCB shows, I was also doing one man shows. My first one, “How Much I Lied” and all of my shows since (“May I Help You Dumbass”, “Don’t Be A Dick”), have been based around real letters to the editor, prank calls, and hidden camera pieces. Check out uprightcitizens.org and mattbesser.com
I collect letters to the editor mostly focusing on people who get upset over small things like children not knowing how to spell, or dog owners not picking up poop on the sidewalk. I would take the issues in these letters to the streets with a camera, a petition, and much loud protest. I would interview people saying that I was from a cable access show or a documentary or I’d use a hidden camera.
By my biggest obsession was starting fabricated absurd controversies in the letters to the editor sections of the Chicago Tribune, the Reader, and the New City. In the letters I wrote, I portrayed different characters that had big problems with little issues like crossword puzzle pencils, fan conduct at Cubs games, Godot vs. baseball, the true meaning of “alternative rock”, the violence of Thunderball, a drug worse than crack called Supercool, and the class differences between salad dressings. Real letter writers took my letters seriously and this often stirred debate. It has since been a goal of mine to bring this format to television. Through the last 15 years I have pitched some version of my letter performances which included hidden camera pieces, prank phone calls, and man-in-the-street interviews. All the bits hinged on stirring up fake controversy with real people.
In the stage show, I would play these videos, read the letters, and I would get the phone numbers of several of the letter writers and call them live in the show and I would fuck with them arguing over or sometimes over-supporting their particular issue. It was complicated to do live and there was always feedback and I had to explain away the audience’s muffled laughter but it always went over well because people enjoy hearing people get upset of absurdly small issues.
In the mid 90’s, along with Eric Zicklin and I made a pilot with MTV called the “The Mailroom Guy” where I read real letters from MTV fans and I did bits around them. I must admit that it wasn’t that good but it was my first experience at making tv and I guess I learned a lot. Suffice it to say that the pilot did not “go”, but I have continued to push for a letter show ever since.
In 1996 the UCB moved from Chicago to NYC. Our sketch show, “Upright Citizens Brigade” (Amy Poehler, Ian Roberts, Matt Walsh) was on Comedy Central for three seasons from 1998-2000. One of the elements of our show was to take characters or premises from our scenes and then take them out into the real world and fuck with people.
After we were cancelled, at the UCB Theater I ran early versions of Crossballs which more resembled Crossfire because I hosted with a co-host Sean Conroy (Drug & Fat episodes). At first the show was an extension of my one man show “Don’t Be A Dick” and then it became its own show called “The Hard & Fast Report”.
For a long time I’ve wanted to do a parody of debate shows where I got idiots on the show who would believe my most absurd characters and their absurd opinions. My first idea was to get the actual letter writers on the show to debate me. I’ve pitched some version of that idea since my days in Chicago. After the UCB show, I performed and was the head writer for a prank show briefly on MTV called “Stung with Methodman and Redman”. It wasn’t the greatest show but it was well received and a precursor to Punk’d. Methodman and Redman wanted to move on and MTV didn’t believe that I could star in it by myself because I’m not a “celebrity”. For a while I really thought that show was going to be my way in to having my letter debate prank show, but I was (and still am) a “no name”.
When I have pitched this idea around in the past no one would give me a chance because once again I wasn’t enough of a “known”. I pitched the show to HBO before Ali G was on the air. I pitched it to around 8 other places and at least half of them said right after I pitched them. “Yes that sounds like Phil Hendrie for TV”. Other development execs brought up Ali G and Brass Eye and lamely enough even Mancow. Some of my friends also brought up these references when I would tell them my idea. Honestly I got sick of people bringing up those names because what they were really saying is that the idea is already being done. The existence of similar shows didn’t bother me because I knew that me and my cast and writers and producers and editors would do the fucking with people idea different than everyone else. Since the debate shows on CNN and FNN and other cable news networks are gaining popularity, my debate show parody finally seemed ripe in the last few years.
Once I got together with my co executive producer Charlie Siskel (“Awful Truth”) Comedy Central gave us the green light. Charlie really helped mold the show concept into its final format and mark production process. The process of finalizing the show format involved deciding what news channel debate show form to parody the most. There are really big differences between Meet the Press, Hardball, and Crossfire. We tried to create the right mix of elements.


HOW DO YOU GET THE REAL GUESTS?
The way to produce the marks was the biggest issue. At first I wanted the marks to all be letter writers but that proved too narrow of a pool to pursue so we changed it to experts. Most of the marks on our show are leaders of organizations, or authors, or C list celebrities. Some were directly contacted based on info we learned about them from research. Others answered notices we left on special interest message boards or Craigslist. The guests were told that they were going to on a new debate show on the MTV networks. They were not told that it was called Crossballs until they got to the studio. I always thought that some guest would balk at the Crossballs signage when they walked out onto stage but they never did. Every guest bought the show on some level or another. A few figured it out as the fourth act came to a close. For example, the guys on the Science show got it as the clones spoke simultaneously. Sometimes at the end of an act a guest would ask “Is this a joke”, and then one of our great segment producers would promptly find ways to refocus their thoughts on their own agenda.

HOW CAN YOU PRODUCE A SECOND SEASON SINCE THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG?
Everyone thinks that we can’t produce a second season now that it is talked about all over the web because it will now be impossible to produce real guests. Ultimately I’m okay with that because I’m proud of the 23/24 that we did and I’m ready to move on to my next idea if that’s the way it’s going to be. The ratings have been phenomenal, but the number will probably stay 23.



WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GUNS EPISODE “Pistol Whipped” OF CROSSBALLS?
I always thought that it would be cool to have a lost episode.
Below I have excerpted some of my favorite lines from the Pro Gun message board, thehighroad.org

Summary of the Crossballs “Gun Episode”
One of the panelists was an a**wipe commedian and proceeded to show how i proved guns were just an extension of guys penis's. He had a penis pump that he brought out and asked one of the panelists if he'd agree to give up his guns in exchange for the penis pump. He reduced our gun rights to a penis pump.
Basically i was the set up for HIS joke
F**kers all. hollywood can suck my barrel!.... they consider themselves so liberal, so passionate, yet they are a bunch of money hungry, dishonest sh**s!
Pass along that the "Debate Show" is a bunch of liberal sh**ts setting up honest gun owners for their own comedic purposes. They tried to humiliate a member of our community. F'her the little lying biatch


Rue The Day

Oh MAN have they screwed with the wrong dude here.
Grrrrrr.

Stick it to 'em, Jim!!
I think ''crucifiction'' is a word that comes to mind .... give em hell.
They deserve it ... and more.
Give 'em hell Jim!

I knew things had gone WAY south once I realized this bizarre gadget he'd just handed me was something I'd vaguely heard of but never seen. A penis pump. Swear to God.

Send lawyers, guns, and money . . .
Those bastages have to pay and pay dearly. Don't let them get away with this, show them why they need to learn to fear us.
Jim ... crucify the bastages.

What they did to me was vile.
The results were absolutely pornographic, vile, hateful and racist.
Damn.
Anyways. They REALLY took me for a ride.

What I can't believe is that WE have guns and they treat us this way, and they are unarmed..
Jim, what you showed was that armed men have more restraint than unarmed ones.
If there's anything that you want doing, I'll be in it.
Now I think I'd better hit the range, and fire off a whole bunch of ammo at poor defenseless targets. I'll still be bloody angry about this whole deceitful thing, but maybe I'll be calmer.

Folks, I'm going to tell y'all something and I am 100% serious when I say it.
I'd rather have this show killed than have a couple million dollars cash.

Jim! Do you realize what you could do with a couple of million bucks? Why, you could buy every one of us the firearm of our choice.

The "release" (contract) was obtained under false pretenses, it wasn't worth a bucket of warm spit and they could "bite me" if they thought I'd honor any part of it.
Well I could act all saintly and say I'm out to protect others, and ya, there's an element of that...but there's also this dire need to screw these jack!$#s back to the maximum degree possible .
They will "Rue the day"

Oh, I agree - screw 'em!
Never forewarn your opponent, nor give them ammunition to use against you.
Puke slurping anti gun roadkill larvae inbreds
Let me know if you need a few bucks to shaft these mutant nutsacks. this ALMOST makes me angry. I might tell em how I really feel.

I think that in most cases, they were mostly civilized but when they got to "the gun guy" the rules went totally out the window and they went flat-out crazy.
To allow these clowns to get away with this would be a horrible thing to do to our society.

I suspect others here would prefer that this "trend" in "entertainment programming" will die a much needed death.
Gird your loins and fight the basturds!
While I know where we get these guys it still leaves the one burning question "Where do we get these guys?!?!?"
Unleash hell, Jim.
In the Crossballs shows I've watched, the audience laughs and boos and groans. Could you hear them react from where you sat?

Oh and YES, I could see the audience. I still can, late at night when I wake up in a cold sweat...

[The Gun show is pulled.]

WHAT!? They blinked!? I've been staggering all over the capitol today sweating that this piece o' crap was gonna show, and they *backed down*?
Gawd. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ohhhhh ya. HELL ya. Excuse me while I go do the giant gun nut happy dance . They. BLINKED. And then there's just one more teensy issue. Actually, 200 issues. Yup. The $200 in travel expenses I'm still out . I want it. I'll go to small claims court if I have to.

The Rock Incident
Ok, so by the end of this bizarre crap as the closing credits are rolling, he pulls out a fairly big rock and holds it in a throwing position, growling and snarling at me, and making pathetic throwing motions.
I came *this* close to pulling a knife on his dumbass. Had my hand all the way in my pocket. Paused there, thought better of it.
And that was NOT the weirdest crap that went on.
I am SOOOO pissed right about now...
The rock in question looked real.
He was also "white knuckling it" while making throwing/hammering motions (plus literally "growling/snarling"). I'm 100% sure it was real. Remember, he'd brought other "props" to this mess, including the penis pump .
I wasn't worried about him throwing the rock, I was worried about him straight-up smashing me over the noggin with it. He was only 5ft or so away.
The sumbitch literally had me in fear for my life once that dang rock came out.

The more I read about this, the more I wish you had pulled your knife on 'Camo Boy'; not to hurt him, just to see the look on his face (and the faces of all responsible for this mess) once they realize they've bitten off waaayyy more than they can chew.
I’m picturing shocked expression, pants being wetted... BWAA Haaa haaa ha haaaa!
They (CC) probably HOPED Jim would end up pulling a knife. Indeed they probably hoped he was packing heat. Their two-bit leftist comedian could easily be sacrificed for some high ratings. It's easy to replace such people.

Kerry Conspiracy on thehighroad.org
I was told after the show in phone calls with the producers that the guy who ripped me up "really believes his position". Uh ya, no joke there! New York liberal whose website includes a "Comics For Kerry" blurb?
Oh, and just LOOK what we find at the home page for the "UprightCitizensBrigade": I fully expect 'em to take that Kerry bit down but it won't matter.

Analogies on thehighroad.org
If you were invited to speak at a religious conference and then, upon arrival for same, found when they turned up the audience lights that the "religion" you had just spoken to was "Christian Identity" -- and there were nothing but clan members and neo Nazis looking back at you -- what would you do? Your reputation is shot. You are now going to be known as the guy who addressed a "Christian Identity" convention. You will be labeled a racist, homophobic, Jew-hating, holocaust denier. Would you be a bit miffed?
You then find out that the contract for your appearance had been falsified to reflect that the group is called "Christians for Christ" when in reality they are "Christian Identity". Would you be a bit miffed?
Someone you love gets assaulted and raped. Later she becomes a well-known and respected victim advocate. One day she’s contracted to appear on a serious debate show; however once there she’s ridiculed, phallic objects are used as props suggesting she actually must have enjoyed the experience, and she walks away feeling like she just got raped again.
Same situation - different players. Would you still be laughing? Would it seem like a small thing then? “Oh honey, it’s ok – they were only joking. The viewing audience will understand.”

Racism
They then switch to yet another “live video feed”…this time to an anti-gun rap group. Not anti-VIOLENCE mind you, anti gun. They have no problems whatsoever “cruisin’ the hood” in a convertible while wearing neon feathers and warpaint and doing drive-by bow and arrow murders…with their “rap video” concluding with a black guy doing a cheesy fake death scene with fake blood and an arrow through the throat.
Their African-American “spokesman” (Jerry Minor) still in silly feathers and bad warpaint goes into an incoherent rant about guns being “from the white man” (my numbed brain was thinking “no, you idiot, the first guns were CHINESE!”). It was about as tasteless, vile and racist as it comes and concluded with a screaming match between the moderator and this “rap star”. Oh, until a fat Chinese guy (Horatio Sans) in medical scrubs snuck up behind the idiot in warpaint, injected him in the neck with a hypodermic, idiot in warpaint goes “unconscious” ‘cept we can see him giggling while the guy in scrubs screams something about “I’m gonna bust a CAP in you CAPilary, booyeeee!” in a bad Asian accent.


Best Sig Lines on thehighroad.org

“Most people come from the creator equipped with 2 hands. One to reach out to the fallen, the other to hold the club should he come up with a knife.”
feedthehogs

“Generals gathered in their masses
Just like witches at black masses
Evil minds that plot destruction
Sorcerers of death's construction
In the fields the bodies burning
As the war machine keeps turning
Death and hatred to mankind
Poisoning their brainwashed minds, oh lord yeah!”

“A brick of .22lr is about the cheapest price you can pay for a days worth of grinning.”

“NRA Certified Instructor - and proud of it!”

“A Democracy: Three wolves and a sheep deciding on dinner. A Confederated Republic: Three wolves and a well armed sheep deciding on dinner.”

“To avoid the legal nets that entangled Bernie Goetz, just yell "Help! Help! Police!" like Kitty Genovese.”

“Left-Handed Gun lovin' Unix using Asian Christian Libertarian Steyr M40 owner Cryptographer who wants to live in a Geodestic Dome. I redefine what "Minority" means.”

“Gun Control: The premise that a woman found in an alley, raped and strangled with her own pantyhose, is morally superior to allowing that same woman to defend her life with a firearm.
"Science is built up with facts, as a house is with stones. But a collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house." - Jules Henri Poincare
"Three thousand people died on Sept. 11 because eight pilots were killed"
-- former Northwest Airlines pilot Stephen Luckey

“Join the NRA. Or there is no point to any of this.”......


For more info or your comments go to thehighroad.org and search for Crossballs

July 29th, 2004
I'm in New York City for the Del Close Marathon. Stop by the theater and check it out.

-Matt